Harry Potter and the Boy Who Can't Be Bothered
by ParselPrincess
Summary: An retelling of the story where Harry didn't want to come to Hogwarts, and his sass gets him places in the school.


**Hi guys, this is my first ever story, so please review! I hope it's okay (It's my first so it won't be perfect) but please enjoy! Tell me what you would like to see, what you like, don't like, etc. Thanks!**

Harry woke up to a tremendously loud crash, ensued by a series of grunts and hiccups. Reluctantly, he rolled over on his mattress and rolled his eyes at the sight before him.  
"For the ninety-fourth time, why are you stalking me?" He asked, his voice sleepy.  
"Because *hiccup* ya haff ta cerm ta *hiccup* Hogwarts, Harr-*hiccup*-ray! Albus Dumb- *hiccup* Dumbledore wants ya there."  
"...are you drunk?" Harry asked annoyedly.  
"Well, dis job's very *hiccup* difficult, ser I haff ta warm meself *hiccup* urp e'ry ser of'n." The giant of a man slurred.  
"Okay. Look. You have chased me and my family around the globe for the last YEAR. I don't want to go to Hogwarts, and I never will!"  
"Well, ya cumin!"  
"Over my dead body!" Harry yelled, and Hagrid leapt at him. Harry, unfortunately, received the whole weight of the massive man, and most of his bones shattered. After thumping the pillow for a good ten minutes, Hagrid realised that the pillow was not Harry, and that he was in fact sitting on him. He froze for a moment, and carefully move off the boy. When he turned round, a broken corpse lay on the bed.  
"...oops."

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Albus Dumbledore had had a few problems enrolling students, but it had never been this bad. He surveyed the body in front of him, the twinkle in his eyes gone.  
"So," he asked, in his old-wise-person voice, "how did this happen again?"  
"Well I found Harry in Norway this time, sir, and it was very cold, so I mighta warmed meself up wi'some booze or somthin'..." Hagrid replied.  
"Hagrid, we talked about this. Don't drink on the job!"  
"But it was so cold! Anyway, I bashed down the door, and went inside. I woke Harry up, sir, but I can't remember much after that e'cept he said 'over my dead body' and then I made him a dead body."  
"Hagrid, you can't just kill students." Dumbledore reprimanded. "Luckily, I have the power to revive him. But remember this for future enrollments."  
"Aye, sir."  
Dumbledore took an ornate gold ball out of his pocket, and tapped it with his wand, which made it split open down the middle to reveal a beautiful red stone.  
"What's that, sir?" Hagrid asked.  
"An object of high importance. I cannot tell you exactly what it is."  
"Okie dokie." This earned a peculiar look from Dumbledore. "It's... a muggle saying."  
"Alright."  
Dumbledore picked up the stone with great reverence and circled it over Harry's corpse. The body started to glow, and with a gasp the previously dead boy sat up.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" He yelled.  
"You're at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Dumbledore said with a radiant smile.  
"WHY? DON'T YOU GET IT? I DON'T WANT TO COME TO YOUR STUPID SCHOOL." Dumbledore looked confused.  
"Why not?"  
"BECAUSE-" he caught sight of Hagrid, and his eyes narrowed. "You."  
Hagrid backed away nervously as Harry glared at him unflinchingly. Suddenly, the ten year old boy tackled Hagrid and karate-chopped him thousands of times.

"Harry," Dumbledore said quietly, about ten minutes later, "don't you think maybe it's to stop?"  
"NO." he yelled.  
"...okay." Dumbledore went to have a bath.

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"Witches and wizards, welcome to the Hogwarts sorting ceremony!" Dumbledore stood at his podium, surveying the crowd of first years, all huddled together. For a second his eyes snagged on Harry, and he fought the urge to sigh. The boy had just kneeled the young Malfoy heir in the groin, and the poor blond was now writhing on the floor in pain. Dumbledore decided to ignore it.  
"Minerva, if you would do the honours?"  
His oldest colleague stepped forward and moved to the podium.  
"Now, as Dumbledore said, this is the sorting ceremony. As I'm sure many of you are aware, this is when you get sorted into your house. There are four houses. Gryffindor, for idiotic fools who think they're all that, Ravenclaw, for wierd nerds with no social awareness, Slytherin, for inbred bigots, and Hufflepuff, for the people we can't be asked to be bothered about. I hope I made that clear for everyone. The sorting will be done using this hat." She held up the sorting hat. "I would rather do some tests to determine your house, but we have a stubborn, old warthog for a head teacher so I'm afraid that won't be possible."  
Albus rolled his eyes. Minerva was always salty with him.  
"Okay, when I call your names, you're gonna get your dumb butts up here. Fast. Hannah Abbot!"  
A small, innocent-looking girl scurried up to the front, and sat down in a stool Minerva had conjured. She squeezed her eyes shut as the hat was placed on her head, and in the few short seconds it remained there she kept them shut. She only opened them when the hat shouted 'HUFFLEPUFF'. At this she squealed and ran over to her house table.  
"Seamus Finnigan!"

"Hermione Granger!"

"Harry Potter!"  
Dumbledore awoke from his stupor when the name was called. Loud gasps and whispers reverberated around the room.  
"I'm not coming up, you know." The boy-who-lived yelled.  
"Why not?" Minerva yelled back.  
"Because that would mean I have to walk up those stairs, and to be honest I can't be bothered."  
Minerva nodded her head understandingly. "I get it, son, but you have to get sorted."  
"No I don't."  
"HARRY #$ &$# POTTER, GET YOUR FAT ASS UP HERE BEFORE I CHUCK YOU OUT THE WINDOW."  
"FINE, YOU OLD HAG!"  
He stormed up the stairs, ignoring the stares of the other students. He kicked the stool and sent it flying into a professor with a turban, who went soaring into the air and smashed through the ceiling. Everyone stared at the empty space where the professor once sat.  
"Whelp. There goes Professor Quirrel."  
Minerva said. "It looks like we need a new DADA professor."  
"Miss, can I teach it?" Harry asked.  
"...okay." She replied.  
Dumbledore sat back in his seat and sighed. "Whatever." He said. "You just killed Voldemort. I suppose that's enough qualification."  
"WHAT?!" yelled the entire student and teacher body.  
"Oh. Yeah, Quirrel, he had Voldemort in the back of his head. I didn't want to violate his privacy, so I just kept it to myself." Everyone stared, and then rolled their eyes. This was just a typical occurrence at Hogwarts.

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End file.
